One of the most prized gems of wisdom I have acquired over the years came forth from a spiritual mentor and personal friend of mine. It is about the processes of understanding how to love someone, not just freely giving love because we have love to give.
It was after processing this simple bit of information that I began to unlock a very powerful concept for nurturing and supporting the relationships in my life. I believe to this day, that the short simple sentence my guru-friend threw at me to chew on, led me to the most rewarding gifts I have experienced in my life.
"How do you love a cat?" he said to me. I looked at him with an eyebrow raised and my brain was searching for a suitable answer.
"Is this a trick question?" I wondered to myself. The obvious answer (to me anyway) was, that you just love your cat like any other being with a heart and mind of its own; at minimum, hold it, pet it, talk to it, feed it, send it loving thoughts and energy. Those kinds of things, right?
And then he gave me the eyebrow and asked me to take a stab at some guesses to get the correct answer. In the end I didn't know what it was he was looking for in my response. I've owned and cared for a cat before and the cat seemed to be doing just fine. I was at a complete loss for what I was missing.
After I was pondering for what seemed like forever, he said to me, "The way you love a cat, my dear, is: you love it the way it wants to be loved".
One of the downfalls of many relationships rests precisely on not knowing how to love someone. We assume that we know how to love someone because we have love to give. It is often given freely and unconditionally, with no focus or direction except that we are being loving.
A question we might never think to ask our partners is, "How can I love you?" We assume that we know how to love the person we are with because we simply love them and do what we can. Or we impose our own ideas about love upon them thinking "our way" is what they need, sometimes without regard to what it is that would assist them to feel more fulfilled.
So from here, when it comes to love, set assumptions aside, and take a risk and ask how to love your partner.
Many people have never been asked this question, and may not know the answer for themselves. When I asked my partner the question, I was to listen for two full minutes. Just listening. And my partner was to speak for the entire time giving honest answers about what generates loving feelings for him and makes him feel special.
My partner feels loved when I make a meal that is made just for him. When I bring his plate over I see his eyes light up like Santa Claus is delivering a gift on Christmas morning. He feels loved when I speak to him with a gentle voice. He feels loved when I acknowledge that his ideas are good ideas. For him, if I love him those ways often, he feels warm and fulfilled, and it makes a difference in his spirit. I see him shine.
For me, I feel loved when he gives me compliments. I feel loved when he holds my head in his hands and kisses my forehead. I feel loved when he gives me a card or note that has expressions from the heart.
Knowing this about each other allows us to reciprocate love and generate those important feelings towards each other often and effortlessly. The meal that I cooked for him and makes him feel special, in return allows for me to receive the compliments from him that allow me to feel special and appreciated.
Speaking to him in a gentle voice will often prompt him to hold me close and put my head in his hands and kiss my forehead the way I just adore. And when I acknowledge that his thoughts and ideas are creative and worthwhile, his gratitude and accepting heart has him leaving love notes for me.
When he is in a 'mood', I often ask quietly to myself, "how can I love you?" and the answer comes faster and more effectively with practice of the concept. Some days it may be as simple as letting him be and giving him his space. Other days it may be offering a cup of coffee to him. It allows him to know that I am there for him the way he needs me to be, and without me feeling like there is nothing I can do to help.
The way that this process works is amazing. Working in tandem is the whole point of being in a long term or committed relationship, isn't it? Being partners in life is great. Better yet, being partners in love sets our universe on fire and gives our lives passion.
Not too long after putting my new found wisdom to work, I was led to a book that elaborates this concept and I would like to share it with you. There are perhaps only three books on my list of many good reads that I will refer to my clients, this being one fo them. For relationships, without a doubt, when I have recommended this book and my clients have put the concepts to work, they have reported back to me with an experience that speaks of tremendous results. The link to the book is located here:
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Your comments are very much welcome. Additionally, if you would like to discuss where your current relationship is going, or ask about when a relationship will be showing up in your life, it would be a pleasure if you allowed me to do your reading for you.
Violet
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